dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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