her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
