It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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