I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
