You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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