yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
