Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize