i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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