I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
