the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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