I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
