So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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