It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
