I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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