my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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