hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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