I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
