i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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