HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
