The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
