So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
