I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
