Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
