I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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