He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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