Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
