I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
