I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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