I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize