going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
