We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize