I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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