3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
