she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
