When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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