I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
