Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
