I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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