i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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