I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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