Got a toothbrush?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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