I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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