im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i love accidental penises.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
