Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
