remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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