Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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