I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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