i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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