I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
