i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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