On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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