the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
