I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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