i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
