were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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