Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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