Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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