It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
