you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
