You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
