apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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