he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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