Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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