My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
