I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I think im going to throw up on grandma
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize