I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
