I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize