He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
