I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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