I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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