I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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