You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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