I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize