...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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